Funny Jokes About Sanctuary State California
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Holiday Jokes That Are Sure to Make You Smile
Just Desserts
Q: Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
A: He got 25 days.
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Choose Your Own Spelling
Me: [Searches 'Chanukah']
Google: Did you mean Hanukkah?
Me: I DON'T KNOW, GOOGLE. NO ONE DOES.
—@rachelichtman
Check out these fascinating facts about Hanukkah.
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Hip Hop Holiday
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: Wrap music!
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The Most Punderful Time of the Year
You: I love this time of year!
Me: You mean you 'ove' it.
You: What?
Me: Because there's Noël. —@tiemoose
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Polar Opposites
People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there's a whole world of difference between them.
For more grins (and groans), check out this collection of our favourite dad jokes.
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Avian Obsession
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is completely unrealistic. There is no way that you're still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds. —@TweetPotato314
Where do those birds even come from? Find out the fascinating origins of the 12 days of Christmas.
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Famous Last Words
"Let's go get a Christmas tree!" — A divorce story. —@sarcasticmommy4
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Holiday Hit
"All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out." —Jerry Seinfeld
Here's what you should really do with your Christmas tree after the holidays.
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Frosty Gets Fit
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.
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Feline Friends
I don't know who's worse, the people who sign their cats' names on Christmas cards or the cats who refuse to sign. —@Cpin42
Don't miss our collection of funny cat GIFs.
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World's Worst Office Parties
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon asked people to submit their worst Christmas office party stories. Here's what people sent in:
– I stayed sober to avoid embarrassing myself in front of my coworkers. Then my heel broke, and I fell into the punch bowl.
– My boss ordered two pizzas for 15 employees, then ate one all by herself.
– My coworker got so drunk, he asked his girlfriend whether she was single. She said yes.
– I did a Secret Santa gift exchange; mine got me a can of creamed corn.
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Fa-la-la-la-la
Q: What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?
A: 'Tis the season to be jelly!
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Fast Wrapper
My wife: How many presents did you get wrapped?
Me [proudly]: Four.
Wife: In an hour?
Me: They were oddly shaped. —@dejavudad
Here's how to wrap Christmas presents like a pro.
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Create Your Own Carol
How to make a Christmas song:
- Add sleigh bells
- That's it, you're done —@MaxxSIO
Can you guess the oldest Christmas carol? (Hint: It's not Silent Night!)
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Mistaken Identity
Our new neighbours thought our Wi-Fi network was our last name. So when they gave us a Christmas card, they addressed it to "The Linksys Family." —via HuffingtonPost.com
Here are some helpful hints on what to write in a Christmas card this year.
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Starting Strong
My New Year's resolution is to be more assertive, if that's ok with you guys? —@megankcomedy
Check out more funny tweets that are sure to make you smile.
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Bad Behaviour
Q: Which of Santa's reindeer has the worst manners?
A: Rude-olph!
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Academy Award Winner
My performance in "I'm so sad I can't make it to your Christmas party" is already generating Oscar buzz. —@RobinMcCauley
Here are the best movies on Netflix Canada right now.
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The First Noel
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It's Christmas, Eve!
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Why Stop at 12?
On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "I think I might be a hoarder." —Jen Statsky, writer
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Sweet Dreams
Q: What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
A: Cookie sheets!
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Putting a Face to the Names
The office holiday party is a great place to meet everyone you've been emailing from ten feet away. —@someecards
If you got a kick out of that one, you'll love these funny work cartoons.
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Selling Out
Jeez, did Santa's agent turn down a single commercial? —Jim Gaffigan, comedian
These Christmas brain teasers will give your grey matter a workout.
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Second Chances
For those of you who have already failed your New Year's resolution, like I have, there is always the Chinese New Year to try again. —@ThomasPankonin
Check out these Chinese New Year traditions we can all celebrate.
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Seasonal Syntax
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Ready to put your vocabulary to the test? See if you can match theseChristmas words with their proper definitions.
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Comfort Food
I understand now why Hanukkah happens when it does. We could all use a little light right now. And fried stuff. —Jess Zimmerman, editor
Read about one family's annual Hanukkah tradition, complete with latkes and lakes.
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Baa Humbug
Q: What's a sheep's favourite Christmas song?
A: Fleece Navidad.
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Literally Christmas
It was the beginning of December. I noticed my four-year-old putting on her hat and coat, so I asked her where she was going. She said she wanted to see if Christmas was really just around the corner. —Lynn Krochak
Check out these funny tweets every parent can relate to.
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Gone to the Dogs
My mom is angry with me for letting the dogs see their presents before tomorrow morning. Apparently, I ruined their Christmas. —@akfarizel
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Santa on the Brain
Christmas: the time when everyone gets Santamental.
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The Ultimate Gift
One of my four nephews just brought me wine and said, "Here's your Christmas juice," and now he's the one I'm leaving everything to. —@Kendragarden
Check out these uniquely Canadian holiday traditions.
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Chimney Sweep
Q: What's red and white and falls down chimneys?
A: Santa Klutz.
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Christmas Wish
The older you get, the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder. —@shutupmikeginn
Make sure to avoid these common holiday safety mistakes.
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Try Again
At the Christmas Eve service at my church, the pastor, quizzing some children about the nativity, asked, "What gifts did the three wise men give the Christ child?"
"Gold!" yelled one child.
"Frankincense!" shouted another.
After a pause, a third asked, "Gift cards?"
—Alan Shaw
Read one woman's hilarious (and heartwarming) memories of her star turn in a Christmas pageant.
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The Nose Knows
Q: What did one snowman say to the other?
A: "Yeah, I smell carrots too."
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Party Fouls
Employees who made their office Christmas parties memorable:
– The man who tried to photocopy his rear end, only to smash the glass and end up in the hospital.
– The manager who took his staff out for a three-course Christmas meal and "had an emergency" when dessert arrived, leaving his team with the bill.
– The poor soul who fell asleep on the toilet at a restaurant and woke up to find that the entire place was empty–and he was locked in.
—Coburg Banks
These funny work jokes will help you make it through the week.
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The Non-Believer
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.
—via Jokes4us.com
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In a Pickle
A co-worker was forced to participate in a $10 maximum Secret Santa one year. He protested by bringing cucumbers that cost $1 each. —@kingedhill
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The Giving Spirit
Knowing that the pastor enjoyed his drink, a hotel owner offered him a case of cherry brandy for Christmas in exchange for a free ad in the church newsletter. The pastor agreed and ran this in the next issue: "The pastor would like to thank Patrick Smith for his kind gift of a crate of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given." —via HotSermons.com
You won't believe thesefunny classified ads actually ran!
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Merry Measurement
Q: What's St. Nicholas's favourite measurement in the metric system?
A: The Santameter!
These hilariousDIY jokes will bring down the house!
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Too Soon
"It's way too early for Christmas music."
— People in the year 75 B.C. —@Online_Shawn
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Yuletide Visitors
Me: Knock! Knock!
You: Who's there?
Me: Yule log.
You: Yule log who?
Me: Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?
Here are 25 more knock knock jokes that are genuinely funny.
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Small Blessings
The Hanukkah miracle is that the menorah oil lasted eight extra days. I re-create this miracle with every tube of toothpaste. —@ d aemonic3
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Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
Find out the fascinating origins of the Easter Bunny.
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Scrooge Budget
Experts agree the best way to save money on gift giving this holiday season is by alienating all your friends and family. —@22_Minutes
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Denomination
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Discover 12 fun facts about Christmas in Canada.
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Instant Classic
"So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility."
"That's right."
"And it's called 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'?"
"Yes"
"But it not really about Christmas is it? It's mostly about figgy—"
"—Figgy pudding, yeah."
—@NicSampson
These funny tweets about food will brighten your day.
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Good Lights
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
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Missing Evidence
"Google that and prove it." —My six-year-old when I told her she's not getting a cat because Santa is allergic to them. —@dooce
These funny Google searches will put a smile on your face.
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Snow Kids
Q: What do snowmen call their offspring?
A: Chill-dren!
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Senior Citizens
You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.—Robert Paul
These sweet stories about meeting Santa will fill you with the Christmas spirit!
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Party Pup
"Oh, God, sorry, I'd love to talk and catch up, but, ah, man, I'm just…I'm petting this dog right now, so…" —Me, at a Christmas party. —@mulltoons
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Stop the Presses
These holiday headlines—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth:
- Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
- Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
- Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
- Book Given as Gift Actually Read
Have a laugh at the funniest quotes of all time.
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It's the Thought That Counts
[Friend opens Christmas present.]
Me: It's a lie detector.
Friend: Oh… I love it.
Me: [whispering] We'll see.
—@TherealAmyWeber
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Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they'd remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
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Celebrating Early
According to this advent calendar I'm eating, Christmas was five minutes ago. —@Book_Krazy
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Stormy Weather
Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer!
Psst—here's the extended winter forecast across Canada.
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Engagement Party
If you like Christmas so much, why don't you merry it? —@fro_vo
Here are 100+ jokes about marriage that are perfect for a wedding.
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Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____." His response: "Receipts."
Here are 10 meaningful alternatives to exchanging gifts this holiday.
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Clean Slate
I have decided to leave my past behind me in the New Year, so if I owe you money…I'm sorry, but I've moved on. —@JayStewartPhoto
Have a laugh at these hilarious lawyer jokes.
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Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know the cookie fell on the floor?"
Got a cookie exchange coming up? Take inspiration from this collection of our all-time favourite Christmas cookie recipes.
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Clapping for Christmas
Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
A: Santapplause!
Take a nostalgic look back at what acountry Christmas was like in the '50s.
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Coming Soon
"Just once I'd like to see a big event-movie trailer that opens with 'THIS HANNUKAH, IN A THEATRE NEAR YOU…'" —@LostCatDog
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Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
Check out the most expensive typos of all time.
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A Delicate Process
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree When You Have Kids:
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
3. Repeat
—@Lhlodder
Here are 12 cool Christmas tree alternatives.
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Quick Cleanup
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
Find out how to clean a bathroom in five minutes (or less)!
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The Way the Cookie Crumbles
The kids left "Santa" whole wheat cookies so Santa "forgot" to leave their presents. —@sammyrhodes
Make sure you avoid these common cookie decorating mistakes!
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Dangerous Questions
Four-year-old: Is Santa real?
Me: No.
Four-year-old: What about the Easter Bunny?
Me: No.
Four-year-old: Spiderman?
Me: You better hope Spiderman didn't hear that.
—@XplodingUnicorn
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Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
From over-salted soups to tipsy guests, we've got every holiday dinner disaster covered.
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Shear the Spirit
Q: What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
A: Season's bleatings!
These funny photos of farm animals are guaranteed to make you grin.
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Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I'd gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don't make it harder than it already is."
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Doesn't Add Up
Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night. —@KenJennings
Anyone can make these easy DIY Christmas decorations!
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Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
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Time Flies
Jan. 1: Made my New Year's Resolution.
Jan. 2: Okay, I'm gonna start it today.
Jan. 3: Okay, I mean it now.
Dec. 31: Damn, that went by quickly. Guess I'll try again tomorrow!
—@kentaitin
Check out these lucky New Year's traditions from around the world.
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Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
(These silly light bulb jokes would've been perfect, too!)
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Human Hubris
The amount of time and energy we spend putting up and taking down holiday decorations tells me our 'top of the food chain' claim is invalid. —@LindaInDisguise
If you want to sound smart, try out some of these clever jokes.
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Interesting Gifts
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull's-eye on the back.
Here are some of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.
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A True Miracle
Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days. Now you understand Hanukkah. —@HolyGhostNYC
These hilariousbirthday jokes are also guaranteed to get a laugh!
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Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by St. Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too.
"So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
"What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.
"They're Carol's."
Here are 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
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Reinvent Yourself
"New year, new me," is a fun thing to say while committing identity theft. —@joshgondelman
You won't believe these true stories of the world's dumbest criminals.
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Bad Grades for Rudolph
Q: "Why didn't Rudolph get a good report card?"
A: "Because he went down in History."
Check out the best Christmas movies on Netflix right now.
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Better Luck Next Year
I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying "Toys not included." —Bernard Manning
Test your smarts with these hilarious history jokes.
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Alternate History
My mother cast one of her students as the innkeeper for the Christmas pageant. All the third grader had to do was tell Joseph, "There is no room at the inn."
But during the performance—after Joseph begged for a room for his pregnant wife—the boy didn't have the heart to turn him down.
"Well," he said, "if it's so urgent, come on in."
Find out why Christmas is on December 25.
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The Christmas Song
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess masters bragging about their skill in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
It doesn't have to be National Tell a Joke Day to find these jokes hilarious!
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Santa Speak
Q: What is Santa's primary language?
A: North Polish.
If you liked that joke, you'll get a kick out of thesehilarious thesaurus mistakes.
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Great Use of Space
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree. —@simoncholland
Looking for decorating inspiration? Take a look at this gallery of holiday decor across Canada.
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Gift of the Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. —Anthony Jeselnik
Want to turn someone's frown upside down? Try giving them one of thesefunny compliments!
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Addicted to Christmas
Q: How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
A: He was hooked on trees his whole life.
Check out these bad jokes you can't help but laugh at.
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Change of Plans
Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as "Coffee with the Cantor." The guest of honour, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.
That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to "Mate with the Cantor."
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Seeking Investors
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the first month of the year, collects subscription fees, then converts to a bar named Regret. —@siddharth3
Get ready for morewitty bar jokes anyone can remember.
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Elf Therapy
Q: Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Here are the best jokes from 50 up-and-coming Canadian comedians.
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Seating Sections
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Non-smoking, please."
Find out the fascinating origins of your favourite Christmas traditions.
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Insulting Santa
This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. —Conan O'Brien
Got everyone checked off your Christmas list? Don't miss these greatCanadian gifts under $50!
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Confessions of a Store Santa
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"
The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"
He promptly replied, "Another train."
Here are the funniest Reader's Digest jokes of all time.
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Mazel Tov, Mary!
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz, writer
Check out these funny examples of irony in real life.
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When You're Having Fun
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
—Via Pun.me
Don't miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
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Seeing Red
Me: I wrote you a song, Rudolph.
Rudolph: It better not be about my nose.
Me:
Rudolph: Sing the song, man.
—@KeetPotato
Don't miss our countdown of the best Christmas songs—ranked!
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The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
Here are 75 more funny jokes to make anyone laugh!
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Festive Fear
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
—via LaughFactory.com
Don't miss our countdown of thebest Christmas movies ever.
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Candle Conversations
Two menorahs are sitting in the window.
The first one says, "Wow, it's getting hot with all these candles."
The second one says, "Whoa, a talking menorah!"
Don't miss this side-splitting gallery of funny family Christmas photos.
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Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan during the holidays: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
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Irreconcilable Differences
I may only get married once, I may get married five times. But at least one of my marriages is going to end because of Christmas decorations. —@DadandBuried
Here's every Friends Christmas episode, ranked!
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Practice Makes Perfect
Untangling my headphone cord all year is good training for Christmas lights. —@Cheeseboy22
Don't miss this roundup of silly holiday jokes for kids.
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Open Mic Night in the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one'll sleigh you!
Now that you've got these holiday jokes under your belt, check out these funny Christmas stories shared by our readers.
Originally Published: November 25, 2021
Source: https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture/funny-holiday-jokes/
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